Here’s what fire the funny ladies of the Tweeter brought this week.

say it ain’t so
i will not go
turn the lights off pic.twitter.com/EmFbBTsvMX

— grim monte ?☠️?? (@KimmyMonte) October 12, 2019

pete davidson and pete davidson in a wig have called it quits https://t.co/Ruez686Kd2

— im young and hot (@tayallard) October 18, 2019

high school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am

my college professor: pic.twitter.com/ivKLR4afxX

— M (@atmckenna) October 16, 2019

Me when the TSA asks if I have anything illegal in my purse pic.twitter.com/ccDiWl40Y1

— Blair Socci (@blairsocci) October 16, 2019

I am not joyless I have had as many as 6 whole joys

— Mariya Alexander (@MariyaAlexander) October 18, 2019

When you have two seconds to name your movie and you look around the room https://t.co/1SUyZmQU5M

— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) October 14, 2019

sometimes having a family amazon account is…..embarassing pic.twitter.com/6uXX2xWvWl

— eco goth (@5150wonderbread) October 15, 2019

almost 22 years ago 2 people had sex and now i have to go to work everyday

— bam its sam✨ (@saaamscottt6) October 16, 2019

i cant believe cardi b named her daughter bernie sanders pic.twitter.com/CLm2eBdzDV

— trish (@ULTRAGLOSS) October 11, 2019

When my alarm goes off mid-dream, I’ll hit snooze, thinking, “Hold on, I want to see where this goes…” as if I’m the broadcast news producer in a movie where the anchor is going off book.

— Melissa Hunter (@melissaFTW) October 17, 2019

You know what that means: six more weeks of Democratic Primaries https://t.co/TUO7Q53d2S

— Screamily Yeller (@MrEmilyHeller) October 17, 2019

Straight line:
_______________________________

Dashed line:
____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____

Girl from my high school who thinks she's an influencer:
——————————

— Lindsay Carbone (@LindsayCarbone8) October 16, 2019

My dog is mad at me so often that it feels like we’re actually dating instead of just fucking.

— CORINNE FISHER (@PhilanthropyGal) October 17, 2019

i would eat this off the floor of a former toys r us-turned-halloween store while wearing a full clown outfit. is that the answer you wanted? your viral food content can't scare me anymore. i'm numb now. pic.twitter.com/1l9WWyOXpX

— ɥɔuʎq pıʌɐp (@soalexgoes) October 18, 2019

Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?

— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) October 18, 2019

i get nervous when a product has a new look so you can imagine my relief to discover it’s the same great formula

— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) October 18, 2019

Welcome to America pic.twitter.com/itfe0ky7XI

— Hi, it's Abject Terror. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) September 14, 2019

Hi mom. Can you come pick me up he has a five in one body wash.

— Yesika Salgado (@YesikaStarr) October 13, 2019

oh my god pic.twitter.com/RTuiHSl8cW

— babyfat (@OWWIEZ) October 8, 2019

the number of takes this took is embarrassing pic.twitter.com/dAvZwlTDf1

— Rachel Millman (@rachelmillman) October 15, 2019