The Twitter account Awful Fantasy writes joke excerpts for non-existent fantasy novels. The entries are hilariously terrible… [via dorkly]

"Homicide Sergeant Benjamin Button ducked behind an overturned table as bullets whizzed by. 'I'm getting too young for this shit.'"

— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) April 29, 2016

"The Queen's crown glimmered as she sat the throne. It looked like the Burger King crown, but with way less cardboard. It was stunning."

— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) April 23, 2016

"'I'll cast fireballs upon you,' screamed the Procrastinancer, '…tomorrow, maybe.' He then went into the bedroom to lay down for a bit."

— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) April 20, 2016

"Paty unearthed the ancient stone tablet and read its inscription. 'Send this tablet to 10 other archaeologists or you will have bad luck.'"

— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) April 6, 2016

"'Cap'n,' said First Mate Swig, 'this be an intervention. We think ye be HOOKED!'
The crew laughed loudly.
'…on heroin,' he added sadly."

— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) April 1, 2016

"'Time is a wheel,' the old crone whispered wisely as she made a circle motion with one finger. 'You know, like cheese.'"

— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) March 28, 2016

"'Aye, that be the ole Belfort house. Every full moon it becomes a Werehouse! It don't kill nobody or nothin'. Just more storage space.'"

— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) March 26, 2016

"Everyone came to watch the space joust, which was like regular jousting but harder cause you had to train the horses to hold their breath."

— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) March 23, 2016

"The minstrel played a beautiful melody on her harp. Then she slammed on her effects pedal and ripped out a totally legendary solo."

— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) March 22, 2016